October 27, 2013 at 8:34 am #1044
I’ve been a member on blue for a while now, but im too scared to post about this, not sure why. Fear? judgment? well, here goes… I was dating a boy, pretty seriously. We had talked about sex and decided it was something we were going to wait a bit for. I had never done it and wanted it to be right. We would fool around but never go too far, I was happy. One night he decided it wasn’t enough and it wasn’t what he wanted, he didn’t want to wait. I told him no so many times but it didn’t matter. He did what he wanted and got what he wanted from me. I didn’t talk to him about it, I didn’t talk to anyone, just kept going pretending it didn’t happen. I kept dating him for almost a year after that, just recently left him. After that happened I didn’t care what he did to me… not that it happened again, just if he wanted it I gave it to him. What I wanted, my waiting, it was for nothing anyway. It bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like a bad person. I come from a family where sex is not taken lightly at all, no one there knows aobut what happened but I feel like a disappointment to them. I asked him about it later, he says he didnt hear me. theres no way… After I moved on from him I met a nice guy, but still I let him do what he wants to an extent. I don’t say no, I don’t care to. I should make him happy right? I numb out, I don’t tell them, pretend I like it all, when really at times im crying when its happening. Not to mention I cant seem to get over my ex… the feelings are stuck with me. He got a new girlfriend, I feel like im drowning and not sure why. advice if possible? why cant I let it go? why does it haunt me? should it bother me at all or am I just overreacting?
October 29, 2013 at 5:37 am #3893
The vast majority of people will always remember their “first love”. Those feelings take a very long time to move along from, no matter how the relationship ended. It’s time though for you to regain ‘yourself’. Your family is very right in their feelings that ‘sex is not taken lightly at all’. What happened with your ex was not your doing, but his. Just because he didn’t respect your wishes doesn’t mean you should give up on YOUR beliefs and feelings. What you wanted, your waiting, was not for nothing. It was stolen from you by 1 person, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have it back (for the most part). I’m an old man now, and i’ve had a promiscuous past (at times), but even at my age i have been able to go back to the way i was raised.
What you ‘do’ with current/future boyfriends can still be your choice. If he/they don’t respect your decisions, then they aren’t worth your time, and certainly are not worthy of your affection and/or any type of intimacy from you. YOU have value. YOU are important. And YOU get to choose what happens, and when it happens !
October 29, 2013 at 10:48 am #3894
Shelley, No means NO ! in anyones book .
The fact he disrespected you and want ahead with the act is low .But it doesnt mean you are a tainted woman for that ,you are still a beautiful and worthy adult and he was in the wrong to take something that wasnt his .
There is a different with sex and lovemaking ,sex you can have anytime with anyone and love making is what you do with someone special that you do actually love and care about .Your new boyfriend should understand how bad the ex made you feel over that so he can not make the same mistake and you dont have to give in to him just because .If you love him and he loves you then it is something magical between you both not a chore that has you laying there wishing it was over .
Also when you have been in a long term relationship it is hard to forget that person ,good or bad .Its like everything in time the memories will lessen and you will be able to live again without him in your head.You may never forget your ‘first’ boyfriend and experience but the pain will fade.
Dont drag the past into the future with you ,leave it behind where it belongs.You have a new future now and hopefully it will be a happy one.
Remember NO means NO ! you are in control ,its yours to give when you want to .
October 30, 2013 at 4:19 am #3895
Ive only talked to the new boyfriend about it once, and he had to force it out of me. I ended up in tears and cutting over it. We haven’t talked about it much since then. He knows I have problems with it and after we do anything always asks if I did it for him or cause I wanted to, its usually for him… I don’t want to be a disappointment to my family because of it… it makes me sad… ive been cutting so much more since that has been on my mind too. I try to distract myself but it always finds its way back. Am I over reacting? I don’t even know what to call that… I hate the word rape but is that what its considered? cant get it off my mind…..
October 30, 2013 at 3:27 pm #3896
Shelley talk to your boyfriend ,I know its hard and it hurts inside to say the words but you did no wrong.Not everyone will be like your ex and your new bf prob wouldnt want to make you feel that way when it should be a love thing to enjoy together.
Your family dont need to know your private life and you are an adult so legally if you want to have sex you can without the guilt of family.
Mostly dont cut over the ex and what has happened ,dont feed the guilt that he put on you .Every cut tells a story and that is one story that doesnt deserve a scar !
To be honest any sex act that is against your consent is considered rape in the eyes of the law .
It will take time to get over it as it was traumatic but love and patience will over come that so you and new bf can enjoy your days together.
October 31, 2013 at 8:58 am #3897
I don’t feel love anymore, I don’t feel people caring anymore. I tried to kill myself again yesterday…. I don’t know who cares anymore, that’s why I come here. its the only place I feel someone cares what I do… ill try not to cut over him, but last night I broke…. theres gonna be a lot of scars from that one… I dont think I will ever get over what happened, the distractions only last so long…. im sorry straw. im trying.
October 31, 2013 at 6:01 pm #3898
Shelley of course we care here ,I care ! *hugs*
I am sorry you felt so bad you needed to try to kill yourself again but glad you didnt .
You do really need to see a professional ,doctor or counsellor ..is there no way you can go to a medical centre for treatment ?
You dont have to be sorry for being you Shelley or for what you do ,Just keep talking to us and you being here is enough for us .
October 31, 2013 at 6:05 pm #3899
A place that you may be able to go for some help is through your county health department. It might be worth a try to find out if there are services available to you through them.
November 1, 2013 at 12:04 am #3900
ill look into that fubarmoose but as far as I know they don’t have anything, I know we have a discounted mental health place around here, but I have never been there and I really don’t want my parents finding out. I still owe the hospital over 3000 from my last little visit that they have now sent to collections after me filling out paper after paper of financial aid things that they wanted and frustrating the crap out of me. (another big stressor) so honestly, finding medical care unless its free is about the last thing on my mind. Today and yesterday have been pretty good days, aside from running into a couple old videos from my ex that had me crying my eyes out yesterday I have done pretty good at distracting myself. just trying to take it one day at a time and stay away from sharp things… and thank you for that post straw… I needed to hear that. It helped a lot… how do you guys continue to help people even when you are having your own problems? ive been having a hard time with that… I really like helping people… but when I get down its hard, I try to fake that im fine so I can help them but last night im curled up crying cause of anxiety and I had a friend call me drunk trying to kill themselves, I just don’t know how I can deal with other peoples problems at the same time… I try my hardest though… and thanks again for talking guys…
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